My father is Bi Polar.
I was diagnosed with magor depressive disorder at 13.
I've since been on varying doses of zoloft ever since, something I HAD TO HAVE just to merely function as a normal individual. The depressions evened out somewhat as i got older, and my diagnoses has been revised recently to Cyclothymic Personality Disorder.
While I am fortunate enough to feel I'm able to walk the tightrope between my disorder and normalcy, it can still be very difficult at times. I still get the ups and downs despite my medication, though only to a lesser degree. It helps if you scrutinise your feelings and pay A LOT of attention to yourself- then its easier to deal with the depressions. Myself, I know i do more detailed work on my silversmithing, and writing when depressed. Also, I KNOW it WILL PASS. The worst depressions, no matter how long they last, I always know that eventually it will pass, and I'll move into my high functioning, perfectly capable stage. I dont go manic (sadly, lol) but when i am 'up' things don't upset me so much, I'm generally happy, and I get a lot more done (such as Deviations and Deviantart Journaling!
)One of the first signs that I'm going up? I spring clean the house!
Still, even with personally being able to slot my problems into the "just the disorder" folder and shelve it, its difficult when I open my eyes in the morning, and wish I hadn't woken up. When my heart feels so heavy that its going to fall out of my rib cage, and its burning, burning with tears I am trying not to shed, and all I'm doing is getting dressed for the day, and nothing has gone wrong, its hard to shelve it. I have a job that I'm able to keep- but its only part time. I cannot deal with full time. I end off feeling that I cant cope, sacrificing more important things in an effort to lull myself into calm. I become obsessive compulsive about time, how much time everything takes... I'm fortunate- my employer frequently offers me extra hours, and stints of full time (which I take, and can deal with in short bursts) but he doesn't need me full time. Having begun slowly, if he did offer me full time, I'd accept and do my damndest, and hopefully be mature enough to deal with it now.
Since going on contraceptives, my medication isn't so effective. I found myself suffering a depression that lasted for months. And thats not an attention seeking type, like the emo children out there.
True depression isn't wearing black. Its not dark makeup and silly fringes, or black rimmed glasses. Thats children demanding attention.
Its not cutting yourself and letting people know. Its not threatening suicide, or self harm to get your own way, and its not drawing grotesque pictures.
That so many young ones do these things without understanding TRUE depression just makes a mockery of everyone who has ever felt their heart bleeding out of their body when there is no cause for the distress.
That's the difference. Depressed people don't let the world know. I know for myself, sometimes I dont even know. Normally the first giveaway is how much i need sleep. I dont mean want, I mean NEED. When I am in a depressive stage i dont function adequately with less than 10 hours sleep a night. As a minimum.
The pain that flourishes inside your heart is shameful.
Why?
Because it is unreasoning.
People who are depressed from loosing a job/friend/pet/illness or the like, thats not shameful at all. That is cause and effect, and their friends family etc should respect that.
When it comes to mental disorder however, friends and family struggle. Why? Because when they say to you "why do you feel so sad?" Your answer is "I dont know!" or, in my case, the answer is "because I'm mental." That means they dont know either, nor do they know what to do.
Very few people understand that all you need, is someone to confide in, someone to understand you just need to talk out how it -feels-, not necessarily how it is. Someone to credit your feelings with some sort of reality, while understanding that they arent necessarily based on fact. Its a hard balance and it takes years of practice for someone to learn this, it took my mother years, and she's a very sympathetic person.
Medication is good, heck, its as necessary as a diabetic taking insulin. After all it is the same principle- chemical imbalance in the body, evened out through manual manipulation.
The bummer is, this is as good as I am ever going to get. I will never be normal. The psychologist at the mental health unit has told me there is nothing more they can do for me- I already have all the 'methods' in use. I fear having children, because i fear being too unstable to provide them the stability they need. Hence the contraceptive that has worsened my symptoms.
And just to add to the mix!- my husband has aspergers disorder. Fortunately, like me, he doesnt have the worst version of it, just a touch. He was able to complete university on a full time basis, and is currently job hunting, nonetheless, his disorder shows when learning how to interact in a culture he's unfamiliar with. Taking advice from a wife is different to from a teacher, and me with my mood swings... sometimes I just need him to understand without my having to put it into words. I cope by shelving my feelings- but for him I need to bring the book out and show him the full colour illustrations, because he learned from a different textbook.
AND STILL! I'm a lucky one, because he adores me, and he works so hard to both defeat his disorder (which will never be gone either) and learn how to live. Our life, and relationship is hard, but compared to those with these full blown disorders, our existence is a walk in the park.
No one knows what its like to be depressed, TRULY depressed, until hey have been there. To look in the mirror and utterly -despise- what you see... to despise yourself, and not tell anyone, because its -not- about attention. This is what people dont understand... True depressants dont make a show about how much they hate themselves. Some are fortunate enough to be able to express it in their art, or writing, but thats different to the juvenile attention-seeking of so many teenagers these days.
I am having a mental health review in January, but until then, I just have to ride my own personal roller coaster. Roller coaster because most of the time I feel fine, but sometimes my poor husband doesnt see the warning signs [fragile] and says or does something he doesn't realize is hurtful. Then the pain in my heart is hard to hide from him (very perceptive for an aspergers person when Im upset!) and rather than blame my disorder, he blames his own.
I heard someone say once, "for bi polar people, normal is a place you visit sometimes but never get to stay long." and its so true. I'm a lucky one!! I get to visit normal for quite long periods of time! Most of the time, I can serve as the translator between 'normal' people, and those with a disorder, because most of the time I understand both.
What do you do, when the one you love hurts you by accident, and you cant help but feel very hurt by it? You hide it from them and deal with it alone, because its irrelevant. Most effective unless they are beside you and can read your expression when its upset
But back to topic.
Emo kids?
Bite me.
Most wouldnt know real depression until it bit them in the arse, and then they'd just feel justified by all their crap carry on previously. I hate the emo movement. Yes some cool clothes and haircuts, I get it. You're teenagers feeling gawky, you wanna fit in. If you're an oddball emo works. I get it.
But please stop pretending you're so depressed if you aren't. When someone is truly depressed, they need to seek help, not think its cool because they are emo anyway. They need to know its NOT alright to feel that way, and hiding in a subculture is NOT adequate. If you're emo and depressed, then you arent emo- you have a problem you should get seen to. If you're emo and you aren't depressed, get over it.
The attention seeking over-dramatic subculture robs true depressants of the attention and understanding they need. I know of someone who thought the emo subculture was just for her, because she was depressive. WHat happened? It ruined her. She found others like herself- others who were depressed but not seeking help because they were emo- they were supposed to be like that. Dont like their being depressed? Get over it they're emokids. Aka : deal with my problem because i won't.
Ridiculous.
No one else gets to act that way.
Emo kids who will try to out-depress other people... sickening. I hated it when this particular girl would always try to out sick me. If I had the flu, she was so much more ill. Even though before she knew I was sick she was symptom free. If I was stressed, she was so much more so. If I was depressed, no I couldnt possibly understand just how much MORE depressed she was. "Just forget it you wouldnt understand." classic emo sentence.
Wouldnt understand?
Understand this.
Kiss my ass emo kids. Here's hoping you only ever get to fake depression!!
ur vampire...the glitter is pritty >.>
Love
not adults. And yes, Bella should be so pathetic, so that the teen readers can relate... not bad, not bad. I will watch it agian.
i still think the idea of making them bling is wierd tho... 
araniod: 
dude... Ur scaring me! Sowwy I'm not a black magic illustrator, and demons and the like are out. Plus, if i did try to do it, it'd probably suck so bad a toddler would laugh at it 
Joy
) to lord of the rings, or the Shannara series.
im so lost, writers block ftl!
er... maybe...
dude... Ur scaring me! Sowwy I'm not a black magic illustrator, and demons and the like are out. Plus, if i did try to do it, it'd probably suck so bad a toddler would laugh at it 
in context its sensible, but out of context xD lolabble!! 
